I have depression and no one in church knows.

Some of the adults have asked about my health, noting that I look tired, grey and wane.

But how do I come clean about my condition when anxiety is discouraged in our faith (Philippians 4:6)? When my closest friends gloss over it – ignore, actually – when I tell them I am depressed? When the Bible study group concludes that the antidote for depression is to simply to confess our sins and God as King?

The tapestry of my church’s history, or what I know of it, is full of faithful and strong Christians who served God and others tirelessly, knowing that their reward lay in heaven. My fellow church members pray unceasingly and take an active interest in each others’ lives. They don’t get depressed.

But here I am, a girl who loves God, serves Him, cares for others, prays often – and is also depressed. 

And I’m beginning to see how this is part and parcel of my personal faith journey, not a disqualification from it.

When anxiety rears its ugly head, I know that I’m still protected, still loved, still at-one with God.

In these past nine months, Christian friends have been coming my way to meet me where I’ve fallen. Their words and prayers have been a balm for my anxious soul and their stories give me hope – that it is possible to find joy even when hurting from the loss of health, a loved one or dreams for a desired future.

One of them left me with this verse: “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10).

Like the Israelites then, I need to understand deep in my heart that joy is simply knowing Jesus. That the joy of the Lord is in me – as long as He lives in my heart. He is the source of my strength regardless of my emotions or circumstances. My joy is not dependent on whether I’m happy, sad, frustrated, annoyed, thrilled, or numb. 

More importantly, I needed to understand that through it all, no matter what happens, God is good. Even if life doesn’t turn out the way I expect or hope for, God is good. And when anxiety rears its ugly head, I know that I’m still protected, still loved, still at-one with God.

Perhaps this is what Paul had in mind when he wrote this:

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3-5)

Hope does not put us to shame. As the children’s song goes, “for there is therefore now no condemnation down in my heart”, perhaps it is time to be brave and come clean with the church this year.

Even if life doesn’t turn out the way I expect or hope for, God is good.

And however the church chooses to respond, I know God is still in control and will lead me where He wants me to go.